Parenting Question
"My lovely, cheerful, ever-helpful 11-year-old daughter has recently turned into
the troublemaker in my house. I have 2 other girls, ages 7 and 9, who are also
influenced by her behavior. Now, every meal seems like a battleground. The
11-year-old is usually making mean remarks and bossing everyone around. I try to
be patient, but it's very difficult!! She is also prone to raising her voice and
shouting at anything. Is this early teenage behavior problems and what can I
do??? "-- Mom Trying to Cope with Early Teenage Behavior Problems
Positive Parenting Tip for Early Teenage Behavior Problems
Dear Mom Dealing with Early Teenage Behavior Problems:
When your lovely sweet daughter has suddenly transformed into a bossy
troublemaker and brings down the entire family with the "adolescent blues", it
is important to remember that neither you, nor any member of the household,
needs to stand under her rain cloud. Here are a couple of ways to start
experiencing sunny skies again:
1. Encourage her.
One of my counseling mentors is the late Dr. Dreikurs. He wisely stated that, "A
misbehaving child is a discouraged child." Notice the things your daughter does
that are helpful, the times that she is happy, and mention them to her. One of
the best ways we can encourage children and teenagers is to have them contribute
more to the household. Consider having her help out more. If she resists (and
she might especially if she hasn't been doing much around the home), consider
going on strike in a few areas of household upkeep until she helps out. My
favorite gone-on-strike zone is making dinner: I refuse to no longer prepare our
evening meal without a child helping (they can take turns). Dinner can be a
great time when a family can come together to create a wonderful meal and share
the joys and challenges of their day.
2. Do your best to find out what's at the bottom of it!
Regardless if hormones play a part or not, it is important to find out what's
going on for her. During a quiet time (when no one is around) tell your daughter
you've noticed a change in her and that you can't imagine she is feeling very
happy inside to be lashing out at the people she loves. Ask her if this is the
case. If she says "No", then ask her what is going on and find out if there is
any way you can support her. If she is unresponsive, remain positive. Tell her
that, when she figures it out or wants to talk about it, you are there for her
and that you trust she will work it out.
3. Don't stand for disrespect.
It is completely fair to ignore teenagers with aggressive behavior (either
verbal or physical). Instead of screaming or raising your voice in response to
an adolescent who is behaving inappropriately, reply in a calm voice and say
something like, "I can see you're upset right now. When you're ready to talk
about it or want a hug, come find me." Then leave the room. Don't get into
screaming matches--you will likely lose.
The main key is to love and support your child, and to not allow early teenage
behavior problems to affect you emotionally.
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