Popular child rearing methods today teach parents that they should give their children plenty of choices, and they should dialogue with their children so that they empower their child to freely express emotion. That sounds really good on paper, doesn't it? So why are most children terrors to be around when they're young (or whining brats)? Why are preteens and teens sullen and unresponsive?
The reality is that children need strong boundaries. These boundaries need to be very strong when they are young, gradually easing as the child gains responsibility and maturity. They should, however, remain consistent as guides as the child gets older - even teenagers need boundaries.
When your child is very small, you do him or her no favors by being wishy-washy and asking the child to decide things. Asking a little child if they want to eat oatmeal or eggs for breakfast is asking for a battle. Little children are not meant to be responsible for such decisions. It is your responsibility as their parent to firmly carry them through the day. By "carry" them, I mean you need to be confident and firm in your choices for them. As they grow they will be more able to make their own choices - but early childhood is a time when it's your job to be the parent!
Many, many daily battles will be completely removed when you decide that you're going to be the parent. Stop offering mealtime choices (and stop catering to your child's whims. Don't be a short order cook.) Just say, firmly and kindly, that oatmeal will be for breakfast. Use the same firmness and conviction with every meal - oatmeal for breakfast, cheese cubes for a snack, and baked chicken for lunch... period.
Lay out clothes the night before. When your child gets up, that's what they put on... period. These boundaries need to be gentle, but they must be firm.
Develop a set routine for your day and stick with it. This will give your child comfort and guidance. They will be much more at peace and much happier when they realize that you are going to lead them. Children do not want to be in charge! When you leave them "in charge" of making decisions you end up with whining, tantruming, and other negative behaviors. Show your children that you are the parent and you will take care of them - you're not leaving them to figure it all out by themselves.
Avoid having discussions with your child. Now, as your child gets older, you will want to talk things over with them. That's perfectly OK as your child enters later childhood and the teen years. But little children do not need long discussions. They just don't understand them. Your child will either tune you out, or worse, they'll learn how to "talk the talk." You then end up with precocious children who know how to talk you in circles - and they are still miserable.
Does your child spend a lot of time whining that they are not happy with this or that? Are you spending a lot of time "explaining" your child's feelings to them? Are you dealing with lots of tantrums? These are signs that you need to give firm boundaries for your young child, and you need to let them know that you are in charge of ordering the day. Though you might have initial rebellion for changing the way you conduct family life, eventually you will have peace and your days will go much more smoothly.
Rather than doing a lot of explaining or asking your child what he or she wants to eat, do, wear, etc., just gently and firmly say "now it is time to do this" or "now we are going to eat our oatmeal." If you find yourself beginning to ramble on, stop and start to hum or sing. Lead your child by example and with gentle guiding words. Little children do not need lectures or psycho-analysis!
As your child grows, you'll naturally give them more responsibility, and there will comes times when discussion is appropriate. Remember, though, that you remain the parent. There will be times you make decisions for your child or teen that they don't understand - but you know that decision is best. Remain firm and gentle in these cases, and show your child that you're listening to them. Parenting remains an art all through the years - and children will continue to need boundaries and a parent who is not afraid to be in charge throughout those years.
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